how to not be as pale as a ghost while still hating hard on cancer

It's January. Most white girls (I don't mean to offend) like me feel pressured to get a tan one way or another to avoid looking like they are covered in Elmer's glue. While I will admit that I am enrolled in a yearly tanning package at my gym, in an effort to be slightly less cancer-ridden, I have tried a few self-tanners just for kicks. I tried one of everything: one lotion, one spray, and one brand of tanning towelettes. I also did not want to spend a fortune on something that most likely wouldn't work, so all of these are drugstore brands. Exfoliated and ready, I tried these products one by one. Here are my results:

1. Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer

My mom bought this one home for me. It's available at Drugstore.com for about six dollars right now, but if you learn anything from this post, its that you shouldn't buy this stuff. I also have the face lotion version, but the results are exactly the same: streaky and orangey. This lotion smells awful, too! I mean, even no scent is better than a bitter, chemical-like scent. It smells like rotting food. Hate. But anyway, if you can get past the smell, you won't see any results the first day because you are supposed to gradually develop your tan, right? Wrong! When I went to apply this the next day, I noticed horrible streaking on my inner thighs and upper arms.
Trust me, I am an obsessive freak and there is NO way I applied this tanner sloppily or incorrectly. Save yourself a few bucks and wait until June to get tan if this is your only self-tanner.

2. Neutrogena Sunless Tanning Spray Micro Mist

Perfect! I can spray this crap on and it will only take seconds to achieve that lovely summer glow! Oh wait, thats a LIE. This stuff is even worse than Jergens! After spending like 4345 hours naked waiting for this spray to dry, I ended up looking like a straight up TIGER. This was a complete waste of time, pride, and eleven bucks. How could you do this to me, Neutrogena?!

3. L'Oreal Sublime Bronze Self-Tanning Towelettes

Sublime Bronze, you are too legit to quit. I cannot say enough good things about these little towels. A box of six costs ten dollars, but don't let the direction's that tell you to use this daily fool you. I used this once, the next day I could see a glow in my face. As a tanning addict, I used this again two days later. Even better color! And, a miracle! No streaks! A warning, though: be careful! I used this twice and waited about a week to use it again. This stuff is powerful, and am assuming that if used too often, the tan will start to look too unnatural. I recommend this tanner to anyone looking for just a subtle tan to get through the winter months. If you feel the need to be super bronze in January, my advice is probably not helpful, but you may be able to get some tips from the cast of Jersey Shore.

Hope this helps! Does anyone out there have any tanning tips for cancer haters?